Jokes

[333]

Hi,
I was just wondering whether you have a favorite joke and what it is.

This is mine:

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

Is you have a better one please post it.

[deep_3657]

Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?
Patient: When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour.
Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.

Doctor (to the patient): Did I not give you the medicine yesterday? Did you
take it?
Patient: Yes, sir. But I did not drink it.
Doctor: Why?
Patient : (Pointing to the bottle) : Because it is written on the label:
Close the cork tightly and keep it in a cool place.

Dentist (to the patient): For God's sake, stop making those noises and
waving your arms. I haven't even touched your tooth yet.
Patient : Yes, I know. But u're standing on my foot.

Doctors son: Well, dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me
some guidelines of success.
Doctor father: Always, write your prescriptions
illegibly and your bills legibly.

Doctor: Yes, what is it I can do for you?
Patient : Doctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my friends
told me that if I did this particular exercise, all my body's blood would go
into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn't anyone say that all the blood
would go into the legs?
Doctor: The fact's your legs are not that hollow as your head is.

Doctor: Mr. Kishan, you look exhausted.
Kishan: I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have
to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it.

Doctor: Liquor is a slow poison for you.
Patient: It's all-right. I'm not in a hurry.

Patient: May I have a glass of water, doctor.
Doctor: Are you thirsty?
Patient: No... I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.

Patient: How much do you charge for extracting a tooth?
Doctor: Fifty rupees.
Patient: Fifty ruppes, for only a few second's work?
Doctor: Well, I will do it very slowly.
Patient: How much is for the operation?
Doctor: Rupees on thousand.
Patient: But it was a serious one.
Doctor: Nonsense. You can't buy a serious operation for Rupees one Thousand
now-a days.

Mohan : (to the doctor) : Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?
Doctor : Your eyesight seems to be poor.
Mohan : How did you come to that conclusion?
Doctor: You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a
veterinary hospital.

The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, "I cannot
hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would
like to see?".
"Yes," replied the patient faintly, "Another doctor".

A patient: Doctor, I don't feel hungry after taking meal.
Doctor: Really, your condition is very serious. Wait a bit.
(After sometime, the doctor holds out some medicines).
Doctor: Take these pills. You take one pill after your sleep and another
one before you get-up.

Patient: Doctor, I can't sleep.
Doctor: Lie at of edge of your bed and you will sleep off.

Patient: I have spent 80% of my life's savings on doctors.
Doctor : Why didn't you come to me earlier?

Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?
Doctor: Use a pencil till I come to see your son.

Patient: Doctor, I feel there are two of me.
Doctor : Very well, I shall see you, one at a time.

Romi : (to the doctor): Doctor, my sister thinks that she is a lift.
Doctor: Tell her to come in.
Romi: I cannot
Doctor: Why so?
Romi: Because she does not stop at this floor.

A fat lady: (To a health expert). Give me some advice that can reduce my
fatness.
Health expert: Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a
particular time.
Fat lady: At which particular time?
Health expert: Whenever anybody asks you to eat.

Doctor (to an absent-minded patient): What is wrong with you?
Patient: I am losing my memory. Please prescribe some medicine.
Doctor (Handing him the prescription after a while): Here, Take this.
Patient: Why are you giving me this prescription? I am perfectly all right.

Doctor (to a patient) : you must take four tea-spoonfuls of this medicine
before every meal.
Patient: Doctor, we've only 3 spoons at home.

Patient to doctor: On the top of your prescription these words are printed:
We treat; God Cures. If so, would I give the fee to you or shall I send it
to God?
Doctor: Pay me. I will send it.

Patient: Tell me how I can repay you for all your kindness.
Doctor: You can pay by cash, cheque or money order.

Patient: Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?
Doctor: That is what I want to find out myself.

Doctor to patient: Why are you nervous?
Patient: Because this is the first item I am going to have An operation.
Doctor: But I am not nervous though this is going to be my first operation.

Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill.
Doctor: Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet.

Patient: I am sorry to call you to my house so far away from your chamber
at this time of night.
Doctor: Don't worry. I have another patient near here. So I can Kill two
birds with one stone.

Woman patient : Doctor I was suffering so much that I wanted to die.
Doctor : You did the right thing to call me.

A patient to his friend: I am taking rest cure.
Friend: What do you do?
Patient : I sit every day for three hours in the waiting room of a very busy
doctor.

Doctor to woman patient: Your husband is too fond of strong coffee. You
should not give it to him.
Patient: But you should see how excited he gets when I give him weak
coffee.

Doctor: You have trouble with your throat? Have you ever gargled with salt
water?
Patient: Yes. In last summer, I was almost drowned while swimming.

Doctor to woman: What is the matter about your husband?
Woman: He is worrying about money.
Doctor: I think I can relieve him of that.

Patient to friend: I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory.
Friend: What did he do?
Patient: He made me pay him in advance.

Doctor: Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is only
an indication of old age.
Husband: Doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?

Patient: Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am
ninety?
Doctor: How old are you now?
Patient: 40
Doctor: Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?
Patient: No. I don't drink. I don't gamble. I don't smoke. I have no vice.
Doctor: Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?

Patient: Doctor, I want to thank you for your great medicine.
The doctor was very much pleased.
He asked : Did it really help you?
Patient: It helped me wonderfully.
Doctor: How many bottled did you find it necessary to take?
Patient: I did not take any of it. My uncle took one bottle and I am his
sole heir.

Patient: Doctor, I have to ask a personal question, if you don't mind. Why
do you charge fees much lower than other doctors?
Doctor: You see, I am not a M.B.B.S. I am only a B.Sc.

Doctor to Patient: Don't worry about your heart. It will
function as long as you live.

A man with a bad rash on his hands went to his doctor.
The latter examined his hands carefully for sometime and consulted many
large volumes on his shelves. Finally, he asked the patient : Have you had
this trouble before?
He answered: Yes.
Doctor said: You have again got it.

A man with pain on his right knee consulted his doctor.
Doctor said: It is nothing to worry about. It is due to old age.
Patient: The left knee is of the same age. But how is it that leg does not
pain?

Doctor: You have cataract in your eyes. But you need not worry It is
hereditary.
Patient: Death is also hereditary. Does it mean we should not worry about
it?

[netridge]

Diesel is so stupid, he thought Hamburger Helper came with a person

[riyo]

Nice long jokes, all.

Here I have a simple yet great pun (a bit graphic maybe?):

"Frustrated, the cannibal threw up his hands!"

[ABC123]

Mine is pretty nasty but I can't help but laugh everytime I hear it.

"Yo momma so nasty, they make you eat her p*^&@y on Fear Factor."

haha<3